For the first time, in a very long while I've found myself lying awake into the wee hours of the morning lost in my thoughts. Thoughts that I suppose wouldn't hold much presidence outside the confines of my own mind, but at the time seem to be important enough.
This latest batch of ramblings was born out of a fairly vivid dream I had during the day, after shawn had left for work and I'd drifted back to sleep. I don't know if it was the lack of his presence, or just my minds innate ability to remind me how selfish I'm being when I fall into a routine, but my mind decided to choose then to send me careening into a dream full of teenage angst, and relationship hopping (my dream self, despite better judgement, and altogether unsure of how it happened was suddenly dating someone else, and was desperately confused and trying to steer herself back into being in a relationship with the person she actually cared about.)
Dream drama aside, what was actually important, as well as being part of the myriad of thoughts swirling about my conciousness, is my minds uncanny ability to take familiar places where I once lived, or stayed for any amount of time, and turn them into perverse alterations of themselves. My mind adapts these very places to suit just about any, and all dreams I might have; not including my numerous zombie related dreams, but I digress.
perhaps even more confusing is the fact that my mind will mix and match interiors, and exteriors. For instance, take my dream from yesterday; at one point the dream required I enter shawn's mother's house, or at least that's what it appeared to be on the outside. Once inside I found myself in a slightly altered version of my grandparents house in california. I don't know why my mind picks these two places to manifest most often, (with the occaissional smattering of the house I grew up in,) but it does. The odd thing about it, is that I spent so little time in either of these places, so I suppose I don't understand why my subconcious chooses to manifest them so reglarily.
In my mental excursions I've found myself debating a few other points well. Although I suppose the only other thing that's really sticking is my battle to understand my own intelligence, and capabilities. I find that I often don't understand things I hear, or know what something is off the bat. Ultimately I have trouble discerning whether this is a result of lack of exposure or lack of ability. I went through a similar mental struggle when it came to surviving on my own, and the basic skills neccessary to do so. At the time, and even now sometimes, I find myself frustrated with myself for not being able to do something so seemingly simple. My mental struggle goes something along the lines of: this is supposed to be easy, something everyone knows how to do, so why can't I just do it? Shouldn't I be able to reason my way through it? I find that I start to over anylize the situation.
This latest batch of ramblings was born out of a fairly vivid dream I had during the day, after shawn had left for work and I'd drifted back to sleep. I don't know if it was the lack of his presence, or just my minds innate ability to remind me how selfish I'm being when I fall into a routine, but my mind decided to choose then to send me careening into a dream full of teenage angst, and relationship hopping (my dream self, despite better judgement, and altogether unsure of how it happened was suddenly dating someone else, and was desperately confused and trying to steer herself back into being in a relationship with the person she actually cared about.)
Dream drama aside, what was actually important, as well as being part of the myriad of thoughts swirling about my conciousness, is my minds uncanny ability to take familiar places where I once lived, or stayed for any amount of time, and turn them into perverse alterations of themselves. My mind adapts these very places to suit just about any, and all dreams I might have; not including my numerous zombie related dreams, but I digress.
perhaps even more confusing is the fact that my mind will mix and match interiors, and exteriors. For instance, take my dream from yesterday; at one point the dream required I enter shawn's mother's house, or at least that's what it appeared to be on the outside. Once inside I found myself in a slightly altered version of my grandparents house in california. I don't know why my mind picks these two places to manifest most often, (with the occaissional smattering of the house I grew up in,) but it does. The odd thing about it, is that I spent so little time in either of these places, so I suppose I don't understand why my subconcious chooses to manifest them so reglarily.
In my mental excursions I've found myself debating a few other points well. Although I suppose the only other thing that's really sticking is my battle to understand my own intelligence, and capabilities. I find that I often don't understand things I hear, or know what something is off the bat. Ultimately I have trouble discerning whether this is a result of lack of exposure or lack of ability. I went through a similar mental struggle when it came to surviving on my own, and the basic skills neccessary to do so. At the time, and even now sometimes, I find myself frustrated with myself for not being able to do something so seemingly simple. My mental struggle goes something along the lines of: this is supposed to be easy, something everyone knows how to do, so why can't I just do it? Shouldn't I be able to reason my way through it? I find that I start to over anylize the situation.
Take laundry for instance. We take advantage of how naturally it comes to us to do a load of laundry, but if you take someone who had never been taught how and put them in from of a machine with a basket of dirty clothes its only natural that they become confused. The basic concpt is simple. The clothes and soap go in and the machine washes them, but wait, do you just out the soap in there with the clothes, or is there some special compartment for it? And what's the difference between temperatures, and different types of wash cycles. Wait, what do you mean I have to wash stuff seperately, colors run? Even as simple and automated as a task might be to someone who was taught, doesn't mean it isn't a scary concept for someone else. But again, is it a lack of knowledge that drives their confusion, or inability?
I came across a lot of adverse reactions to my lack of understanding. When I was asked to do something I didn't understand you may as well have been speaking another language. Perhaps it's so normal in our society that mostly everyone is taught basic skills as a child, and its expected of us adults to know and understand them. But what of those of us that don't? My intent isn't to make excuses, but pehaps to garner a bit of understanding. Chances are that people like me already feel stupid for our lack of knowledge, but we aren't unwilling to learn. I pick up most skills fairly fast. I can't help but feel handicapped though.
Right now I'm working myself out of years of bad habits, and untapped skills. I try to feel intelligent. I try to be genuine, and outgoing, though I feel like I come across too strong in person. Most of all I'm making an attempt to make my life something I can appreciate. Ill always have doubts and fears. Don't most people? But I suppose what's important is that I've decided not to let them overpower me. I want to be happy. I want to appreciate what I have. I want to be a kind, benevolent, genuine person. I want to be ingelligent, and moreso I want to feel like I am. I'm working toward these things. I'm taking baby steps but I'll get there some day. Its difficult not to focus on the negitive aspects of life. Its easy to fall into a stifling, unhealthy routine. Its easy to be ignorant, and depressed. I'm sick of easy. I want to do something with my life. Something profound.
